2011. november 15., kedd

I am titanium

I would have lied, if I said that I am happy now.
and I am not used to lie.

my day had passed in a relatively interesting way. in the morning:  angrily, confused, impatiently, annoyed, sleepily. than it continued sadly, feelingless, carelessly, alone, tiredly, senselessly, bored. and after that, everything changed. I became suddenly happy, surrounded by people I like, I lived my life, I did not give a fuck, I laughed, I felt strange, I felt hope, love, than it changed again. it was freaking stupid and pointless, and I could not recognize even what was I doing at that moment. yeah, I felt absolutely forever alone, excluded from society, from life, like I would watch everything from outside, from a corner what no one can see. you know that feeling? it feels good, isn't it?
then I went to the park, on my OWN. I was eating my salty scone, I heard the knocking of my heels on the tough ground, I was looking out of my head, watching the dead, yellow leaves and heading for my friends, sitting on a bank. I felt absolutely stranger, I did not know, what I was doing there, but I stayed. we commited the apparent, obligatory bad thing, chatted, laughed, told stories... and I realized, what is the thing I actually miss.
attention. care. someone's eagerness or wish for me. a person, who watches me and smiles automatically. who gives me a huge hug and looks after me. take care of me. support me. and so on.
you know, how does it feel like, when you have almost everything you want, but truly not. when you miss something from your life, but you cannot realize, what it could be. when you feel like you are not home, you are alone in the whole fucking world, but not! and you are just thinking and thinking and thinking.
have you ever felt like, it would cause you joy to sit next to an unknown person on a bench and tell your whole story to him/her? to speak your mind, listen to that person and just rely on him/her?
it would be so interesting.
yeah, I want to have a situation like that.
and then I would leave like a boss and never forget it.

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