2013. február 8., péntek

So, English comes over again. To avoid the undesirable.
I have read an inspirational article here - which had a great impact on me and inspired my totally fucked up and lost, misguided Friday night. It states so many useful advice and tips to survive or to keep up, whatever goes, that I realized, I shouldn't be such a miserable and jerky shit, like I behave now. I should find my own self confidence and my old self esteem, that unfortunately went away. somewhere.. and I am not able to find that. 
But I have a picture of myself in my head which I will reach WHATEVER happens. and then, I won't care who likes it and who doesn't.
It is true, that I have my own heartbreaking story. Those ones, who never experienced such a thing before cannot understand what goes in my head and in my mind. I constantly feel like being neglected, forgotten and I have no more hope in my coming future. Everything became so pointless and unnecessary. 
I just sat here some minutes ago, leaning to my desk and cried. I have a huge pain in myself, and I feel like I can't deal with it. There is no matter and it does not make any sense. But then the following thoughts appeared in my mind: that do not worry, Niki, it will go away sometime. You don't know exactly when, but it will, and you will be the happy and self comfident person again you were two weeks ago, and your heart will be full again. There will be a gap in it, but you will heal the scars and you will be over. It does not matter that he was the best you could imagine for yourself. He left you, and let you down. 
You had the most beautiful time of your life with him, and you miss every kind of actions and deeds you did, but they are sorrowfully only memories. And memories do not change, only people do.
You have to be strong enough to stand, whatever happens. It is the order of the life - someones loves you and then leaves. Like The Fray sings - in the end everyone ends up alone. You too.
You know, you will be sad and distressed for a long interval, and you will miss him in every time and think about him all day long, because you still have a little hope that things will became, in a short time, like they were. But it has a really low percentage. 
It is better to remember the happy things. 
I keep telling these things to myself just to make my life a little better, but I can't really believe it. I know, I am the most hopeless and desperate creature of God, but I just keep asking questions, like why. Why do I deserve to be alone? I try to live my life in a good way, help others and trying to be nice to everyone, even with those ones who doesn't deserve.
I just want to save my soul from being broken and alone. You know, from that kind of feeling you experience, when you are in the most deeper peroid of your current life happenings.
I suppose, my struggle and fight for him is completely useless.
I just want to believe, that he will regret everything and realize that he was wrong.
And then, everything will change. Or not. Because he is the most stubborn and wayward person I know. But you know what? I do not actually now what to believe.
I try to smile and fight for him, if it is useful. If not... then, I do not have any kind of plan.
But I know, that I won't be the person who I was before. These happenings changed the way how I interpret  situations and it will never be the same.
I want him back, it is the fact, and I am able to to everything for that aim.

Now I make my pizza, beacause I DESERVE a tasty and yummi food like that after a long suffering, which did not even end.

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